retrospection

I have managed to discover some of my blog posts that dated almost 15 years ago. As I just looked through some of the posts, most if not all of them were so cringy that I can't actually bring myself to read through all of it. It's amazing how I was so proud of my blog last time and always advertised it to my classmates, to invite them to see daily life from my point of view. As I shamelessly wrote about who I missed, how I loved to hang out with this particular person, etc., it is really an eye-opener to the 'me' right now.

And since I have written on and off about my life for the past 15 years, there is one particular post that caught my eye and spoke so much to me, even reminding me how God had enabled me over the years to do the things that I did and it was all Him that gave the growth and nurtured me to who I am today. The blog post was about the first day of my full-time work in God's service. there was so much feeling of inadequateness, about whether I could do well or serve God effectively and perhaps fulfil that calling in my life.

even though I will say that I am quite experienced in my field right now, that feeling of inadequateness has never ever disappeared in any moment where I decide to try out something new, be it ministry or a new area of work. it is always this "what if I fail, what if I don't manage to do well" that is perpetually strangling me. Perhaps God is reminding me today that as I look back, that the negativity is not an indicator that things will turn out bad, it is just a fear of the unknown. More importantly, the past few years of growth has encouraged me that God has brought me through even when I didn't believe in myself, that even in that air of inadequacy, God had used His rod and staff to guide me, which I may not be able to tell in those moments. And that He, Himself the great shepherd is enough for me. 

What is this all about?

I've always fancied myself in a cafe, sitting on a couch, enjoying my drink and people watching. It gives a certain serenity even in the midst of the chatter and the occasional burst of laughter. It is often where inspiration hits me and my creativity takes over. The smell of coffee, the soft texture of the couch, the sights and sounds of the bustling cafe, it just speak so much of life, and how peaceful and simple it can really be. These are moments where the mind goes into this mode of retrospection, or even perhaps settling down to hear the One who is always speaking. 

And there you have it, this is my couch in a virtual cafe, and here are my thoughts about life, God, work, and perhaps more when there is a need to share. 

Welcome to coffee talk with kingdomtide.